- Lewis Henshall's site
- musings of a twentysomething Mancunian man
Keep track of the blog using syndication feeds. Returning in 2008.
Keep track of the blog using syndication feeds. Returning in 2008.
Entry #29, published on Monday, 26th of November 2007 at 23:55 local time, is the latest blog entry…
I have been silent since August but I've been OK. Why I left this so long I'm not that sure, certainly I've been apathetic about it but I have been getting on with things to some extent. Let's get you updated.
Last time I mentioned I would be cross-dressing for a fancy dress party. The theme was infamous people, I went as Margaret Thatcher. I got funny looks from work experience kids at the counter in Oxfam, I explained to them the skirt and matching jacket was for fancy dress. Is that what it's usually like for regular transvestites? The skirt was a snug fit and a friend lent me a big bag with a pearl necklace inside, which was well received.
I went to Creamfields 2007 where I saw the beautifully wonderful and wonderfully beautiful Kelis for the first time. Really great, although somebody should have told her Daresbury is not in Manchester. Saw Ladytron for the first time who were just as expected really, disinterested with no crowd interaction, but as long as they performed Seventeen that was good enough for me. Groove Armada—also my first time—were absolutely amazing. For a moment I thought they weren't going to play Superstylin', then I heard the opening sounds from the trombone and happy jumping around commenced.
I went to Creamfields with Hannah and Steven, a few weeks later they separated after three and a half years together. People splitting up amongst a group of friends who socialise together was — interesting. I'd become friends with Steven's sister and sent her a text saying it's up to her if she wanted to stay friends, and she never replied. I texted Mark, one of Steven's friends, saying I hoped we could remain friends but would understand if he didn't. He did, which made me smile. I also sent a message to Steven himself. I told him I was sad about it and that it was good to have him in my life for those years, which he reciprocated. Closure eh.
On the second Saturday of September I met up with people from school who I'd not seen for a few years or more. In fact those I saw a few years ago I saw a few months into Hannah and Steven's relationship. I remember him staying up with me when I heard the news that Emma died. The excuse for the meetup was Katy's birthday, which she instigated through Facebook. I was a bit apprehensive about seeing these people from all those years ago, which was unfounded really because these were my good girls in school.
They were shocked when they saw me because I look so different now — good thing. They too are all beautiful, grown up and doing well. Due to my prior apprehensiveness I had drank a lot, was drunk a lot, and vomited a lot later on. I last chundered in October 2006 from a house party of gin and tonic and Pimms and lemonade, so almost once every 12 months is not too bad going. My sister's used to my usual demeanour of lucid inebriation, so she swiftly sought a vomit receptacle which my retching signalled when I got home. Unfortunately her first choice was a plastic bag that turned out to have holes in its bottom.
Another reunion took place on the second Friday of November, another Facebook organised event but this one had no anxiety (or vomit) attached. It was a meetup of some of the call centre team I was part of last year, it was cool seeing them. Samantha was staying over at mine because her home's nowhere near Manchester's city centre. After saying goodbye to the others, us two ended up at Alter Ego. That place is so different from the Mutz Nutz Friday nights of 2003, it wasn't even open in two rooms. Sam and I must have been having fun dancing though, we didn't once go outside for a cigarette and didn't get back to mine til gone 6am.
The day before that I went with a girl from work, another Hannah, to Manchester's Christmas lights switch on. Chesney Hawkes sang 'The One and Only' live really well, then shouted Kaiser Chiefs' 'I Predict A Riot' not so well. Shayne Ward lip-synced a few songs, in between namechecking his new single. I went to the lights switch to get into the spirit of things, the fireworks were really good and I was surprised at how many people attended. This was the second fireworks display in a week as a few of us from work went to Wythenshawe Park's on Guy Fawkes Night.
Straight after the lights were switched on and all fireworks had been lit, Hannah and I went to see a screening of Taking Liberties, a documentary demonstrating the extent to which our civil liberties have been compromised as a result of Tony Blair's government. The screening was hosted by Manchester No2ID, one of several events they organise to get the message out. The fact HMRC has just lost 25 million personal records — including 8 million bank details and National Insurance numbers — is proof enough that collating all sorts of sensitive data about us into a centralised register is a bloody bad idea.
Speaking of sensitive data, last week I got a copy of my credit file. It's not that bad, there's some things on it I need to check but it could be a lot worse. Worse enough for Dell to refuse credit on a new desktop computer, however. Very frustrating, considering I am completely able to satisfy a considerable monthly payment. I'm considering a cheap laptop through eBay as a short-term solution. Or something. In the next entry I'll be telling you about last weekend. About a boy…
Entry #29, published on Monday, 26th of November 2007 at 23:55 local time.
Over the past three weeks my brother turned four, I went on a work's do and to the theatre. The last time I went to the theatre was with Hannah from College in 2005.
I had got free tickets to what turned out to be ostentatious performance art that made Hannah and I laugh out loud, although we were not the first audience members to do so. I recently mentioned to Hannah I hadn't been to the theatre for ages so went hunting for something to see. I looked to the Royal Exchange and no further as I booked tickets for Pretend You Have Big Buildings.
I gave no attention to the events of the Manchester International Festival and came across this quite by chance. We went to the matinée on the run's last day, a humid August 4th. All I knew about the play was that it would be about cultural identity and—with mention of the character Leon enjoying dressing in his mum's clothes—likely to be about sexual identity too.
It's always a pleasant surprise to recognise faces whether on the stage or screen, Shobna Gulati was Ruhksana and Tanya Franks played Karen. Shobna of course, as a good Mancunian, I know from Coronation Street and for her anti-war work along with Julie Hesmondhalgh. Tanya's a more recent face to me as I've seen her in the BBC Three comedy Pulling; Of course I'd remember her drunkenly searching for owed money at her dead lover's wake — money for the computer she stole from the school at which she teaches, no less.
I thought for some reason I recognised the actor playing Steven, and I now know this must be because Billy Seymour is in Hot Fuzz. Man can he project his voice! Jonathan Bailey and Sacha Dhawan as Leon and Danny, Hannah and I agreed really energised their characters' chemistry. I have to say it was a rather beautiful cast, and I tried not to get too excited when Jonathan was down to his briefs. Steve North, I was unaware, co-wrote and was associate producer of South West Nine, one of my favourite films.
He as Rob and Susan Twist as Annie gave touching performances. The play was an enjoyable venture into roles and stereotypes. Really it demonstrated the trouble caused by misconceptions and expectations. Without gender roles, Leon would not have felt scared about being caught experimenting with make-up (moreover, perhaps he wouldn't feel inclined to experiment if such things weren't prohibited), Rob would not feel so much pressure as the breadwinner, and Karen would not despair at being dependent on this. The culture clash between British and Indian was delivered well, an issue handled with humour. Steven's transition from racism to remorse represented the possibility of such progress.
Pretend You Have Big Buildings is the winner of the Bruntwood Playwriting Competition for the Royal Exchange. Written by Ben Musgrave, at 26 he is the youngest writer to have a production on the Royal Exchange's main stage. He blogged about some of his experiences, discussing some rehearsals and mentioning some reviews.
The set was refreshingly flexible and creative, the work of designer Jaimie Todd, refreshing like the artificial rain and the inverted tower of Canary Wharf declining to reveal a bed, a central setpiece. I really enjoy theatre-in-the-round, the audience seeing the performance from different angles gives a feeling of being in the action, even voyeuristic. I think if I were to write a play I'd imagine it being staged like this or promenade rather than the distant and perfected proscenium. My first and so far only experience of promenade staging was Somewhere the Shadow by Jeff Noon, at the Contact Theatre some six years ago I think.
Now, speaking of cross-dressing, I'm going to a fancy dress party tomorrow and cross-dressing indeed I shall. I couldn't get an appropriate wig so I need to pick up the mask I got off eBay from the post office tommorow; I'm glad it arrived on time or else it'd just be me in drag. I've got more things to say, I think I'll do that on Sunday.
Entry #28, published on Thursday, 16th of August 2007 at 23:52 local time.
The weather has been so changeable recently, very confusing. I've been like the calm before the storm, without the storm. There's so much brewing in my head without precipitation.
I've been at a new job for a fortnight. Its a permanent data cleansing job but looks to be a bit more involved than the temporary one. It's a walk down the road away, so I'm home in half the time, and I'm working with three other guys in a newly created role. Definitely a job that doesn't follow me home. I said to myself that the past year was to be mainly just chilling out, so now it's time to do something with myself. I have various interests and ideas and must start moving forward with something.
There's some comfort in being stagnant, the comfort zone of normality. My life is lacking forward momentum and this will only change when I put myself out there to feel the fear and do it anyway. I've put some negative feelings into perspective. I haven't exactly eliminated feelings of resentment about being gay, I've only lessened their dominance. While I am in a world with such discrimination and inequality I will feel negativity.
However, being aware of negative things does not have to necessitate turning the negativity on myself. I've been put here like any other person, we don't choose the place or world we're born into. If every meal I eat I remind myself there's someone out there going hungry I will only get myself down. Likewise comparing myself to the straight guy settling down with a wife and kids will do me no good.
It's been said for a long time that ten percent of people are gay, but nowadays the thinking is that it's more likely two percent. In my year at school there were about 200 pupils, so the statistical expectation would be four of those being gay. This stark reality is why I have little expectation of being with someone. In 2005 upon becoming boyfriends with a guy who knew a friend of mine, my friend asked me if I could stop shagging his friends.
I recently joined Facebook and searched for men in Manchester who like men. The first guy I liked the look of, guess what, two of my friends knew him. If I were to meet someone down the Gay Village it's unlikely that they'd be disconnected, unknown, untainted. Even that boyfriend in 2005 turned out to have had sex with someone I'd had also had sex with. The systemic incestuous nature of the gay scene is one issue that puts me off being open to meeting someone.
I was explaining this to Gina when we went for a few drinks around the Gay Village the night before I started the new job. As these things go, someone did make the effort to come on to me. Despite my surprise and lack of enthusiasm, we kissed and he even invited me to dinner. We texted in the week but I could not entertain going to the effort, of leaving my comfort zone, my excuse was a lack of socialising while I adjust from weekly to monthly pay.
I'm safest doing nothing at all, but I'm now so embroiled in this way of thinking that I risk dismissing something wholesome. I am unfulfilled all round, and I exacerbate this further. I stopped smoking for all of two days, for smoking is something to do in my unmotivated boredom. I don't use the word “boredom” often, it annoys me when people say they're bored. There's so much to do and see, but even knowing this that's the way I feel.
So, let's make this a turning point. Actually do what you say you're going to do. Go back to the gym, stop smoking, put the loose CD's back into order, write that damn blog entry at first chance, stop oversleeping…. You know these are all easy, simple things to do, but in a state of mind that precludes proactivity procrastination ensues. For me my Web site is really important to me, and I've been failing with this too.
My site does not fulfil my principles of a good site, after I started the blog I was going to put up an about me section because that's an absolute necessity. It's now been half a year that I've not been getting around to doing that. When I stop holding back and do the simple things that I intend then the positivity will snowball and the rest will follow.
Entry #27, published on Monday, 23rd of July 2007 at 00:55 local time.
It's been a wet week but the rain is now easing off. Despite the downpour, last Monday I went to Alton Towers with seven others.
I think the last time I went to Alton Towers before this was 1999, when I went on Oblivion for the first time. Since then there have been several new additions I had yet to ride. This was the order of the day, I think: Oblivion, Submission, Corkscrew, Rita — Queen of Speed, Duel: The Haunted House Strikes Back!, Nemesis, Air, Ripsaw, Congo River Rapids, and if we weren't wet enough from the wet rides and rain we were finished off by The Flume.
I'm feeling better about things — I go through phases. It's not a bad thing being the single, sociable, easygoing gay guy, but I get bored being that person sometimes. I'm less passive than I used to be, I'll communicate my preference or discontent more often nowadays. I need to work more on being OK with being me, having the positives tipping the balance over the negatives. Saturday night was my last opportunity being able to smoke while drinking in a public enclosed space. I had to go out.
The friends who were supposed to come out cancelled on me, and I was heading towards staying in. I ended up going out with Hannah and had 20 minutes to get ready. By the time I was picked up by Hannah's friend Claire I was mellow after a whole bottle of red wine. We went to Cheadle Hulme as it was Claire's friend Scott's birthday. After a drink there, and Hannah applying make-up on me, we both got a tram into Manchester City Centre, headed to Jilly's Rockworld and a really fun time.
I had the last cigarette in my packet tonight and I shall not buy any more tomorrow. I've got chewing gum for Nicotine Replacement Therapy and plan to reward not smoking by using the money for other goodies. I don't know yet if I'll still smoke when I drink alcohol and at times of particular drama, or if I'll reprogram my behaviour so much that I'll go off cigarettes completely. I changed my way of thinking when I was working on losing weight to the extent that I rarely have desserts, and it's even rarer for me to have any cravings.
I'm getting things together to push forward with my Web site and blog, I plan to tick many things off the to-do list over the coming months. Rather than gradually making minor changes I'm intending to introduce new features in one release, incorporated with a new site design as appropriate. I can't believe it's been a fortnight without posting a blog entry and I'm struggling with something to say. I'll come back in a few days with something fantastic, I'm sure.
Entry #26, published on Monday, 2nd of July 2007 at 23:28 local time.
I've been taking a break in reaction to depleted motivation, my sense of self-worth recently declined. Rather than remarking on the negatives, in this entry I shall only explore positives. There's going to be some changes around here. [read on…]
Entry #25, published on Tuesday, 19th of June 2007 at 23:59 local time.
I'm way behind working on stuff for my site. That's OK though, I tell my despairing inner-geek. I really can't complain about my life presently, over the past few months I've been going out somewhere for a new experience at least every fortnight. [read on…]
Entry #24, published on Wednesday, 30th of May 2007 at 00:08 local time.
After a delirious night of interrupted sleep I had Wednesday off work and slept most of it. Feeling generally groggy, if overdosing on vitamin supplements over the weekend didn't sort me out then at least the bottles of wine consumed numbed the awareness of my ailments. [read on…]
Entry #23, published on Tuesday, 22nd of May 2007 at 00:19 local time.
I had Monday booked off work because since 2004 that day has been a very sad day. On 14th of May 2004 Emma from school, aged just 20, died of a heart attack due to high blood pressure. [read on…]
Entry #22, published on Wednesday, 16th of May 2007 at 00:19 local time.
This weekend is a quiet, not doing much one. Last weekend was the opposite. On the Friday we gave Steven an early birthday surprise, when he turned up with Hannah for a meal at Kai's House Asian Fusion restaurant in Altrincham. [read on…]
Entry #21, published on Sunday, 13th of May 2007 at 20:04 local time.
That's almost it for April, it passed fast and I'm trying to recall what happened. One thing about April is the multitude of birthdays. Notably, I'm 6 days older than my cousin Hannah, 10 days older than Hannah from college, and Alex was born 15 days after me. [read on…]
Entry #20, published on Monday, 30th of April 2007 at 01:03 local time.
Returning in 2008 ;-)
