Entry #25: The Only Way Is Up

I've been taking a break in reaction to depleted motivation, my sense of self-worth recently declined. Rather than remarking on the negatives, in this entry I shall only explore positives. There's going to be some changes around here.

As of the first day of July I will stop habitually smoking. I used to be strongly anti-smoking and didn't have my first cigarette until the age of 19. I went from accepting cigarette offers on nights out to buying 10-packs, 20-packs, and in 2006 I even stocked up while I worked in a soul-destroying sales role surrounded by smokers in the same predicament. As I'm sure my health has been negatively affected there have of course been positive social effects.

In 2005 I met Emma as a result of smoking, it's a good story. Seeing no cigarette in her hand, in a city centre café I asked an old lady if I could take her ashtray. She said she hadn't finished with it, so I asked if it would be OK to sit with her. I talked with that lady for well over an hour, who advised me a girl about my age was coming to meet her at some point. Emma joined us and when we parted we exchanged mobile numbers. That's how Emma entered my life.

As of entry #21 I still was not speaking to Emma after recent problems. We met up on Saturday like any other catch up, and back to normal we were. Alex joined us in Top Café in Afflecks Palace, bringing with her Richey and his friends Guy and Duncan who I met for the first time. Alex and I savoured the image of lit cigarettes around us, for after this month England will catch up with the rest of the United Kingdom with anti-smoking legislation.

We will no longer be able to catch up with a cigarette accompanying the coffee, it will be illegal to light up after a greasy spoon, and smoking on the dancefloors of Manchester will be a thing of the past. This entry is about positivity, so I shall not criticise. I shall use this to my advantage. Many people plan to stop smoking after the enclosed spaces ban, some are getting in early as too are some of the affected establishments. I shall remove this from my routine and replace it with the gym.

Yes, I shall finally return. I think I know why I put off getting back into the gym routine for so long. The time I went to the gym the most is associated with the time I felt severely depressed, ironically the time I was physically my fittest I was mentally my worst. I will have to work through the worry that I'll be a fitness freak on autopilot again, I have to keep myself connected. In the past couple of weeks a few people have said I look like I have lost weight. This puzzles me because the scales say no. I check my weight weekly now to confirm or contest my perceived weight, which does me a lot of good.

Because I became so detached from my reality I didn't appreciate how much weight I had lost, and friends became concerned I'd gone too far. I think the difference was more apparent to others than to myself because I was observing the gradual loss. Since that time I filled out a bit and have maintained a healthy weight, I'm really pleased and proud of this. To remind me I used to be obese all I need do is examine the stretch marks around my body. I want to enjoy the world with my body as well as my mind, so when I get back into shape I'll look at adventure holidays.

I suppose it's possible I could get interested in a sport. I think I have a bias against finding sports interesting, instilled by a lack of participation as a fat kid taunted in the changing rooms. It doesn't have to be one or the other, I can be both mentally and physically strong. Working out physically will definitely help me mentally. At the moment I'm working through feeling lonely and resentment for naturally being in a minority. It's hard enough for straight people to make connections with possible partners, for me it seems hopeless.

Being despondent about this has little benefit. It's possible I soon meet someone special, it's possible I go through all my life by myself. The most realistic expectations I can set myself are based around what I have power over. The image of my future has to be of me being independently happy, happiness is not dependent on being with someone. The way it works, most of my friends are in cross-gender relationships, settling down with weddings and kids on their agendas.

There is absolutely nothing I can do to change that I am naturally more inclined to men, it was never my choice to begin with. I don't fit heteronormative society's ideal, but I am here and there must be something good about this.

entry info

Entry #25, published on Tuesday, 19^th of June 2007 at 23:59 local time (Swatch Internet Time @983 .beats)

Returning in 2008 ;-)