Entry #6: Little Bird

This time a week ago I was apprehensive about starting my new job. Although I knew I could do the job and the company looked good I was anxious to have the proof in order to feel more secure; There could have be any number of problems and I wouldn't know until I'd started the job.

One week on the existence of such problems has been eliminated, the priority possible problem being working with homophobic colleagues. I just could not spend 40 hours of my week around that. I'm predominantly gay and from my experiences in 2006 I don't feel like my orientation is as obvious as people in the past have made me believe.

In new jobs I've tended to be out to at least one person by the end of the week if not by the end of the first day. This time around I've still been myself but have not made reference to my sexual orientation. I wouldn't have a problem with my colleagues knowing—otherwise I wouldn't post about it on this not-so-anonymous Web site—but at the moment it's not something I will intentionally bring to the fore.

The top reason for this is my sexuality has been so inconsequential of late as I have had no sexual desire or activity. I still find people attractive, even today I spotted a guy at the bus stop in the morning and I fancied the employee who found me a basket for my shopping at the supermarket after work. But I have had no inclination to act upon any attractions or urges for a while.

This time a year ago I'd just got with my now ex-boyfriend and with that I had to switch from free-single mode to committed-coupled mode, which I found taxing following a very free and single 2005. I don't really do relationships, I've mainly just been me by myself, and that one didn't last because he became distant both physically and emotionally.

When I was with him my previous boyfriend contacted me because he needed to speak to me, which turned out to be an apology for the way things went. Following the split in May last year I met up with this previous boyfriend in the middle of the year. We spent a nice day together shopping and talking. I took him for a meal where we each spoke positively of the other and looked back happily at our relationship in 2005.

We ended up kissing when our meetup reached its end, which was very much a full stop to the happy ending. There was potential for more of a story but nothing further happened. After that day we talked about meeting up solely for sex, but it later occured to me that if he wasn't going to have me as a boyfriend then he couldn't have me at all — all or nothing.

Admist the waves of last Summer's heat I ended up going round to a work colleague's place on a few occassions. He was curious and I was — compliant! I enjoyed the fact he was enjoying it, that it was random and spontaneous and it was fun. But fun was all it was and it would never be anything more, so that was that, and that's where my sexual diary (metaphorical!) is bookmarked.

Since then I guess I've been sublimating, refocusing energy from negative to more positive outlets, by putting all my energy into my work. My interest in social things has somewhat waned, not just sex things. I'm only a little worried about my situation, I'm more intrigued by it. I'm sure my interest will return but I'm not sure when, I expect it will happen once I've better secured my future by doing what needs to be done to do what I want to do. You know what I mean, right?

entry info

Entry #6, published on Tuesday, 23^rd of January 2007 at 00:10 local time (Swatch Internet Time @046 .beats)

Returning in 2008 ;-)