Entry #7: Blue Monday

I've been feeling dispirited about this and that these past few days, which I think is a matter of what's going on with me at the moment compounded by a case of the winter blues. There are two particular subjects that have been on my mind the most and these both relate to a lack of something.

1: I do not have any face time friends with genuine enthusiasm for an important interest of mine; 2: I do not have any substantial, positive face time friendships with men. I am the type of person who will listen to you talk about something you're interested in even when that interest is not one of mine. I often find this attitude is not reciprocated because when I try to talk about what I've been working on I get the impression the other person is hearing but not listening.

One signifier of this is when the other person doesn't ask questions to check their understanding and find out more, just agrees with the words being spoken, and is quick to talk about something else. My developing aspirations and ideas are a big deal to me, so this lack of acknowledgement makes me feel disheartened and somewhat resentful that the zeal I shine to people isn't reflected.

At present all my closest friends are women, I do have male friends but not a buddy to speak to and spend time with. Last year I made friends with several people I worked alongside, I spent quite a bit of time with one guy going to the pub, chilling out and chatting. It would be nice to see that carry on this year and for him to be one of those buddies I feel I'm missing.

As for gay male friends, I don't have any who I see in person and only know this kind of person in the virtual realm of the World Wide Web. It's just turned out that friendships I've had in person with gay men have been problematic and degenerated into negative, conflict-ridden relationships. I think a lot of this has to do with a certain level of competition amongst gay men, there's only so many out ones out there, and the standards and stereotypes to accept or reject are a poison.

When I got rid of a lot of excess weight I had a lot of positivity from people but there was some negativity too. I felt my changed appearance affected the threat I posed because I'd become more physically appealling. Just like how people say a man and a woman can never be just friends, the same idea would apply here in that between gay friends the element of potential sex affects the relationship. I feel like through writing this out I've lost a little mental weight, so it's time now to see if I lightly drift into a deep sleep.

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Entry #7, published on Friday, 26^th of January 2007 at 01:53 local time (Swatch Internet Time @105 .beats)

Returning in 2008 ;-)